REFLECTION ON LAST SCHOOL YEAR
Ok, I have no idea how I lasted through last night but I am 110% sure if it happens again I am so going to take my life away personally… that was probably the worst I’ve had in a long time. I know I may appear so strong in the outside but in the inside I’m this balloon wanting to burst. To get out of this ‘envelope’ of safety people give me. To make people think I am capable of doing things on my own. That I can do things in my owm way and i will.
I know that had way too much drama… hehe… I write that’s why it sounds ‘poetic’ or something but people always tell me what and how I write sucks… that’s why this entry sucks too… I know that! So what? I don’t really care what you people think. I write what I want and I will. So people, you know who you are, deal with it!
Have you ever wondered why people always try to be someone that they’re not? Why people try to bring you down whenever you feel low? Why people want to make sure you feel so bad all the time?
Well I have... all the time in fact. I’ve always asked myself that. Why people try to be someone they’re not? I know. People try to be something they’re not only to make people like them. People try to be ‘in’ only making them ‘out’.
Someone told me before “You must be the change you want to see in this world”. Which is very much true. Think about it. If I wanted to make a difference in this world I should be the first one to change and hopefully others will follow my lead and change. But in a time like this, we wouldn’t know what’s right and what’s not.
Last night, being the ADHD person that I am, I got angry over some pathetic reason. And I got scolded for that. I understand that I have to try to fit in into this miserable world and that I was scolded for a right reasons. But they didn’t have to go so far as including my friend. I know she wasn’t that much of friend to me as others have but at least I can talk to her or i thought i could anyway. Everyone else in this world is too judge-mental to actually get to know you rather than just saying, “Hey, she looks funny. Don’t be her friend since she’s weird” or shit like that.
This ‘friend’ of mine is actually like everyone else. You know… the kind who becomes your friend, who is very good to you when you’re with her but as soon as you turn around she laughs her head off and makes sure you look like an idiot.
I kinda got the feeling this is turning into an essay but it doesn’t matter to me.
So back to what I was saying, not literally of course… Anyway, in the fight a certain someone told me that I care only about myself, that I don’t take care of my sisters, that I only attend to what I need and that I have everything I want.
I’m not the person who really says “no”. It’s always been a “yes” or an “okay”. “Ish – make a script for our play” or “Ish – can you do the PowerPoint presentation for this because my computer is blah-blah-blah rubbish” I don’t know why but I never said no. And I guess I never will. but i hope i will...somehow.
So I did make a script. Those people who knew about this play, those people who saw me make it in class, all those people who saw how much effort I put to it, they also saw how bad it turned out. I admit – it wasn’t the best I could do but at least I tried. Thinking about it now brings back all those memories of tears, of late night writings and most of all the play itself.
I made it through. Barely. But I had to deal with it. My only request: is that we didn’t get last place. As we got on stage, the tensions growing bigger as each minutes passed by.
Ever since I can remember, I always wanted to publish a book. At the age of 15, I can write. Songs, although they don’t have a tune yet, short stories, poems, or just like what I’m writing now. I always had this dream of opening and reading a book I wrote or opening a magazine or newspapers to see that an article or story I wrote was published or just open the school magazine to see my name written on the journalist or editor part. I also wanted to direct a movie based from a book I wrote or just be able to get behind the camera and film an Academy Award winning film. And to have a song I wrote sung and actually sound very, very nice to the ears. So, bringing the play to life was somewhat a dream come true, right? What I wanted since I was able to write, to actually was about to come true.
But it wasn’t. It was more like a nightmare coming to life for me. Yes, I was really overjoyed at first. With preparations and casting and props and everything else. As the presentation date was nearing our play was starting to look great. With all seven scenes we’ve accomplished five scenes quite fast. And the song was turning out to be really, really good. I enjoyed making the script, trying to improve it along the way, getting the song sung and just everything.
The day of the play came, a cool Thursday. It was in the afternoon so we got the whole day to practice or just improve it some more. 30 minutes before the dramas starts, I was getting scared already. My mind was flooded with what ifs… I was just half excited and half terrified.
Going home that day was… a very tearful ride. I couldn’t believe it! Although I knew it would be a disaster but I never expected us to be the last. Yup! Last! L-A-S-T! And to think we were the once with the most practice and the other group got their story from the Internet…
Well, after that I decided never to put too much effort into what I do. But that wouldn’t be nice now would it? So I will put effort to it but I will NEVER write something if my ‘friend’ is in it an happens to go as lead.
What’s done is done, right? We can’t turn back time to change what happened. But we also can’t let it happen again.
People ask me why I read too much. Reading books, fan fictions and novels. My answer is always “well don’t you read?” most people say no. Why do I always bury my nose into books but I never to really get a high mark in tests? I have no idea why I don’t get high marks but I do know why I bury my nose in books. I read because I have absolutely no one I can talk to and plus, somethimes you can relate to whatever the characters are going through. Hey, don’t get me wrong! I’m a good conversationalist but my problem is that I can’t really trust anyone in this cruel world. It’s hard to trust someone when you’re living the life I’m living.
I once told someone how I felt about studying too much. Guess what happened next! My mother found out! How? I haven’t got the foggiest idea! I had a tutor teacher before that I didn’t want to go home really early because I had nothing to do and I would get reprimanded again. That I didn’t want to go home because there wouldn’t be food left for me to eat. And to think I often don’t eat lunch and I just drink a cup of milk for breakfast. They found out to…
So, you see… it is hard to live life as me… and by the way… I don’t call our house a home since a home if where you would feel loved, a happy little home where everyone gets to have fun together and crap…
As our classes are getting nearer to an end, I felt ill. In tutor, I turned red and I felt hot (not Paris Hilton hot but as in hot – burning). My tutor teacher noticed it and said I had fever. I got home, took a bath, and slept. I thought I would feel better after a nice little nap. But I didn’t. In school I’d get really sleepy and feel dizzy. The bad thing was that it was exam days.
Imagine this: You’re answering a test. Your stomach hurts since you didn’t eat breakfast earlier and dinner the night before(that happens alot since #1: i'm not a breakfast person and #2: there's no more food by the time i get home after tutor for supper.) You just took a medicine, which is supposed to make you pay attention, but it also somewhat worsens your stomachache. Your head feels sooo heavy. You have a throbbing headache. And you memorized everything you needed to memorize for the test but the headache isn’t helping you while you’re trying to remember what you studied… that’s how I felt.
Only on the day of clearance signing did my teachers notice I wasn’t feeling right since I looked pale. I told them that I just had to get my clearance signed then I could go home and I’ll be alright. They seemed to think I was on the verge of collapsing or something. But I was grateful, someone noticed.
Well, I graduated Second Year and I’m going to be a junior next year. Yippee!
That’s all for now… I have to look for ways of killing myself in a fast and painless way… So, au revoir!
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